I'm not what you deserve... You deserve someone better, someone smarter, someone with more of a future or a sense of themself. The potential you see in me is nothing more than wishful thinking, smoke and mirrors, pure illusion.... Same with my parents who still believe they have this wonderful intelligent little girl... They've been learning the hard way though that I'm not and never will be... Do I have to prove it to you too? That there is no potential, and that everything you see in me is wishful thinking? Perhaps in the back of your mind you know that you deserve better, and therefore think that you can find it in me.
Want to know something funny though? I have never once feared you hurting me or breaking me... I only feared hurting you. I know that I will always love you... But even then I seem to shove everything away. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you, and it's already become evident that I can do so without trying.... I didn't mean to hurt you... And really, either way I will continue to hurt you. I'm not a very happy person to begin with, although I am a lot happier than I used to be... I still get crushed by waves of depression for what seems like little to no reason. Simple things silence me, make it so that I do not want to talk.... Make it seem like you've done something wrong when you haven't. It will always happen, and I'll always hurt you someway. Even now, just being with you is going to hurt you because I'm hurt because your hurt because I can't take that hurt away.
I partially think that maybe you should find that better smarter college girl....
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I don't really believe in this blogging stuff. But, hey--people tell me
it's fun.
13 years ago
3 comments:
Really powerful, but is this for real? Do you really feel that way about yourself?
I know I talked to you about this already, but I feel like voicing my response here too, just to feel more secure about it. (heh..)
You're half right, you're not what I deserve, because I don't really deserve anything. i've done nothing to deserve anything better than pain and suffering, yet you come along and take both of those away from me..
The potential I see in you is simply something you have not seen yet, and even if I'm wrong, you still have more potential than you can imagine. We may be human, but the thing that makes us human is truly what gives us unlimited potential. We all have the power of choice, the ability to choose something despite any influence that is given. Just that in itself gives us the ability to accomplish anything. that is why nothing is impossible.
If this is not the case, then please go ahead and prove it to me. so far you've only proven otherwise to me.
you know, I haven't feared at all the idea of you hurting or breaking me, but what scares me is that you're afraid that I'll be hurt... it's not that I don't want you to care about me, it's just that no matter what happens, I'm the guy who almost always ends up getting hurt, and I really don't care about it.. but now it seems that if I do get hurt, you will be hurt, which is the only thing that really hurts me... if that makes sense to you. in a sense, my former invulnerability has been made a vulnerability, and even though that may frighten me somewhat, I chose that you know. I knew full well what I was getting myself into on September 12, 2008.
also, I know it's only been 4 months, but you seem not to know me that well. I don't see anyone being better, and I generally despise college girls...
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