I'm just having problems believing all of this. It's my gram, my dads mother... the woman who all ways seemed so invincible. After all that she's been through, this might just be what does her in. I mean, she has plastic tubing inside of her, she's had open heart surgery... My mother actually told me a story about her open heart surgery. Her own husband wouldn't do anything for her. My mom would visit her to see how she was doing, and one day she found my gram crawling across the floor to get something. After that my mom started getting her a glass of water every time she visited, even though my gram never asked her. That made my gram soooo mad.
Another thing that worries me is the fact that... I've been pushing myself away from my gram... I didn't mean to, but for a while I was afraid to be around her. Now she's in the hospital and I have a rather guilty conscious about it all. I guess in the back of my mind I knew she was going to get sick, that something was going to go wrong... That she doesn't have much time left... But that doesn't make it ok...
I feel horrible, and I'm probably getting a bit too worked up over this. It's not my fault... Right? She's almost 80 years old, she's had a good run. It's just... I still can't grasp this. If you knew her the way I did... The way I DO. I'm sure you would understand.
Her spine is fractured...
They can't do anything about that....
There is what may be a tumor on her lungs...
Her white blood cell count is going up....
The doctor thinks its cancerous...
My dad thinks she's on the cancer floor...
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I know a lot of people have it worse... My boyfriends gram was younger and healthier when she came down with cancer... At least I think that's what he said, I was a bit too busy with my realization that my invincible gram isn't so invincible.
It's strange though... My dad was talking to her and told her that the doctors think she has cancer... She was just like "Oh. Okay." And the whole time I'm thinking "Gram... That's not a good thing..." I don't know. If someone told me I might have cancer I would flip out.
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My point is, even now she is still as stubborn and optimistic as always. She says things like "I'll watch that when I get home" and things like that.
THAT is what makes all of this seem so wrong... I hope my gram goes through that test soon... I hope the doctors realize they were wrong... But even if they do... Will it change anything? My gram is almost 80. That is a lot to most people. My mothers mom didn't even live to see 50.
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Wake me up....
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I need to get away for a while. I need to escape myself, my house, my thoughts... The truth. I know, I shouldn't run away... But I want to... So, so bad.
This woman practically raised me when my parents were always at work or sleeping. She would tell me that she would live to be 100. That she would live long enough to see me get married.... Maybe it was just because I was young, but I believed her. I think we all believed her....
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